All that I can think about right now is that I spend way too much time in town lately. And not enough time in the woods. Work is one reason, but the other is that my lover is a town-boy. It is almost impossible to get Aaron up in the morning to go hiking with me, or anything for that matter. I think in the year we have spent together, he has spent less than twenty nights at my house. It is such a crux because we get along so well. But it is killing me to spend time here in this stuffy town house and all the ammenities in the world won't make up for it.
So what to do? True, he is graduating from college on Saturday, and may have more time to be with me, but I fear not. I fear that college has just been a cover up for the real problem which is: though we are compatable emotionally, our true desires for living are not. I have become more like him that he has become like me and I don't like it.
True, my restaurant-job is neccessary if I am going to pay back my student loans. But what would give to never have gone to school at all. I wish I were free like I would be if I hadn't. Zero is freedom. It is not wealth that I wish for, it is just not to be so fucking in debt that I have to work for the next twenty years of my life to pay it back. It is a fucking prison sentence and it is pushed upon the youth of the day like liberation. Go to college. Its a fucking rip-off unless you are priveledged and upper class.
Then I work at the job-I-love selling fruit at the produce stand. Somehow I have begun working 11 hour days four or five days a week. It makes my Wednesday-Thursday weekend so precious to me. And here I sit typing at Aaron's computer while he sleeps off a hangover. Knowing that I have to work all fucking day tomorrow and so restless and discontent.
But I have a plan. Pause a miniute here while I quote the song that just drifted into my head by John Lennon: "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans..." but this is my plan. Work the summer away at both jobs, pay off my car (at least), try to save money to run away (I mean travel) in the winter. Spend time hiking and dwelling at my house even if it comes at the expense of my relationship with Aaron. I really don't belong here. I must vacate this place.
I have always been wise to the fact that consumer-Amerika is driven by the desire to fill the hollow bourne of the soullessness inherent in a 40 hour work week.
Posted by bogsters at May 6, 2004 11:35 AMHey Jes,
Sounds like you already know what you want.
What I don't understand is why people go to college and then work at minimun wage jobs. Seems if you bother to get an education you would find a career that you love in that field. Other wise you're right again...why bother? Hopefully that would earn you more $$$$ to pay off your loans...What about Dear Old Dad???? Can't he see fit to pay some?
It's a wonder any two people get along at all! Hehehehe. That's what happens when you align with soap goats!
Really though, it's hard to know how to balance "going with the flow" and "remaining true to your own beliefs about how life should be lived".
Posted by: Daniel Talsky at May 6, 2004 3:02 PMno wonder you haven't been posting, you poor girl! Thas a lot of work.
Sucks to have bills to pay.
Escaping to wilderness adventures is so good for the soul. I often long for the mountains and ocean and feel so stuck here in the city... But it's also good to have a lovin' boy. It IS tremendously hard to balance needs in a relationship.
Maybe y'all can talk and come to some kind of agreement about time spent at your different abodes? I'm sure you've probably tried that yo.
Sheesh.
Well, CrazysexyTOWNmagic just doesn't have the same ring to it-get thee to the swamp, woman!
Posted by: rzan at May 7, 2004 11:24 AMWow....sounds like you have made up your mind..can't seem to meet half way in the middle?..I think your right Jez....work harder pay off your debts and get the hell out....back to the swamp that is and do your own thing..But you should also consider a job in what makes you happy....you have the rest of your life to repay so don't let it stress you out...you have always come out on top...best to you
Posted by: Your Big Sis at May 8, 2004 6:04 AMYou write things so well. I chuckle everytime I read one because it is so true,but no-one is brave enough to either realize or say what you have to say.
I give that one a 10.
If your love loves you he will follow.
love ya
stacey
You write things so well. I chuckle everytime I read one because it is so true,but no-one is brave enough to either realize or say what you have to say.
I give that one a 10.
If your love loves you he will follow.
love ya
stacey
ps i will be getting a new e-mail address soon
Gee, i miss your crazysexy swamp magik. I am in a big old plush town house myself these days, and its true no boy or ammenity can fill that (w)hole in my soul that living in the realness of nature fills so effortlessly breathing in sweet breaths. light and water on the trees right to the eye, beauty.
Hey come check me out in FHHA the Female Hip Hop Alliance, we be rockin it down town at some gig or another just about every week or two. Check the fliers. Give my love to Manos and Jeannine. Much love, Mad love, Gaia
Well JessE........you got to start (1)living one day at a time, (2)concentrate on the positive, (3)bills do get paid whether you dwell on them or not (4)love will happen, you will find your soul mate, when you stop looking for him! Remember the Four Agreements:Be impeccable with your word, Don't take anything personally, Don't make assumptions & Always do your best! Love you....
Posted by: Big Sis at May 10, 2004 4:38 AMHi Baby Girl.........don't stress...follow yor Bliss...nothing is worth it....I saw Crows around me all day, they told me to get in touch,,,,you are after all my Kindred Spirit...don't lose that..your favorite Crone
Posted by: Momma at May 11, 2004 7:07 PM